Three Fights in Every Relationship (&how to deal)
I think we should start out with the truth behind every relationship fight…
boys are dumb. 🙂
In all seriousness, us girls are just as dumb. Most fights in relationships are unrelated to what we are yelling about. It’s rarely actually about how he never buys you flowers, or how he doesn’t want you to go out and have fun. There’s nearly always a bigger, underlying issue. For example, “You never buy me flowers” isn’t about literally not getting a bouquet of flowers (although, we aren’t against that… 🙂 ) What that really means is: “You know I love getting flowers, and you still don’t bother to spend $5 at Hyvee to get them for me because you don’t care about me or how I feel.”
So, why don’t we just say that? Well, I’d say that it’s hard to say “you don’t care about me,” so we settle for: “you’re a cheapskate who won’t buy me flowers.” What can we say, then? How do we dig down to the real root of the fight, and address it out loud? Here are some of the most common fights, and how to handle them.
The “I want you to want to want to” Fights
This one I have heard all of my friends talk about, and it can be so frustrating for both sides. Example: You had a rough day, and you wanted your boyfriend to acknowledge that and come over. He doesn’t, so you get snippy. He asks why, finally you cave and tell him, and he apologizes and says he will come over. Suddenly, you don’t even want him to come over, because “now he’s only coming because he feels like he has to, not because he wants to!” Then comes in the squealing, near tears, “I WANT YOU TO WANT TO WANT TO.” Yeah, read that ten times fast. But, you know what I’m talking about.
First of all, your guy is feeling very confused right now. You said you wanted him to come, and now you don’t want him to because he didn’t read your mind and know that’s what you wanted in the first place. Second of all, you’re probably feeling frustrated because while these are your emotions, they make you feel like an irrational, crazy person. (Isn’t that THE worst feeling?!)
How to deal: You’re going to have to swallow your pride here. Let him come over. As much as we wish guys knew what we wanted, they just don’t. They aren’t mind-readers, and neither are we. Now that he knows you want him to come over, he wants to, so let him. It’ll be awkward at first, now that you’ve had this text fight, but it’ll blow over. Part of a relationship is knowing how to just let things go, and face the sun. Turn towards the sunny part of your love, and let the petty arguments behind you. And remember, he can’t read your mind. If you want something, you have to tell him.
The “Multitasking while Spending Time Together” Fights
He’s telling you all about his rough day at work, and all of the sudden, you look up from Instagram and realize he has stopped talking. For the life of you, you can’t remember what he last said. He’s staring at you, annoyed, waiting for you to realize you weren’t even listening. “I swear I was listening!” you exclaim as you desperately rack your brain for any words you might’ve subconsciously heard. Annnd vice versa. You’re complaining about your professor, and he’s “listening” while playing video games. Let me tell you something- if you are not looking at the other person, you are not truly listening. Doesn’t it feel terrible to talk to someone while they’re staring at their screen?!
How to deal: Try to avoid these fights in the first place. I know it’s hard these days, but put your screens aside when you’re talking. You both deserve each other’s full attention when having a conversation. (This goes outside dating relationships, as well.) If you do feel that your partner isn’t listening, or you feel that you are doing it to them, have a conversation about it. One of the most important, and often hardest, things in a relationship is open communication. Make a pact that scrolling through Instagram and video games will not be part of conversations. Eliminate “I swear I’m listening, but I need to do this quick” from your vocabulary. These are common fights, but with more communication, they don’t need to be.
The “Other Girl/Guy” Fights
In many relationships, for both parties, there is an outside girl/guy that brews some kind of jealousy…insecurity…worry. For some reason, this person hanging around your significant other makes you feel uncomfortable. In the back of your mind, you always wonder if your partner would rather be with that person, or if you guys broke up, if they would go to that person. It makes you feel queasy, so you try to bring it up casually, but it often turns into a big fight over trust. Suddenly, there are rules in play about when/where/if you are “allowed” to be around that person.
How to Deal: I’m going to be blunt here. If your boyfriend wanted to leave you for that girl, he would. If they are going to date after you guys break up, they are going to date. There truly isn’t anything you can do about that. So, here’s the hardest part: Why worry about it? Worrying about that person will not bring harm to anyone but yourself. And you know what, if you break up and your boyfriend goes for that girl a week later, I promise you’ll be okay. That’s happened to me, and look, here I am still standing. There’s no way of knowing if your partner is going to leave you for someone else, so stop stressing over it. Love is a risk. And it’s worth it. So keep your heart out there, and use it for joy, not jealousy. Try to stop arguing about the other person; there’s no point. You love each other; focus on that.
There are also little things that everyone fights about: where are we eating, why do you chew like that, why can’t you just clean your car out?! They’re very annoying, but at the end of the day, they don’t matter. Try to focus on what does matter.
Tell me, what do you fight about?!